Thursday, January 27, 2005

iro-ny

Iro-ny, n, from the latin 'ironia'; from the greek 'eironia'; from 'eiron' meaning dissembler

- 'incongruity between the actual results of a sequence of events and the expected result'


So here's the deal: despondent man decides that he can't go on because:

a) he can't bear seeing his ex-wife/girlfriend/boyfriend/sheep with another lover/partner;
b) he lost his job due to his 3rd failed drug test and can't bear to face his family;
c) he just COULD NOT accept that Brad & Jennifer 'didn't make it';
d) he realizes that it was a bad decision to borrow money from 'vito' and wager the whole wad on Pittsburgh to crush New England

In keeping with his melancholy decides that the only way to 'go on' is to drive his SUV to a rail crossing and park it there to await his fate at the front of a diesel locomotive (or maybe electric - does it really matter?)

Anway, somewhere along this path of critical thinking the guy chickens out and decides that he can't kill himself. Meanwhile his SUV is now stuck on the tracks because he didn't actually drive to the crossing and leave the vehicle there, he went further down where there was no street.

The commuter train approaches, hits his SUV (as he watches) bolts into the air, hits a stationary frieght car sitting on some siding and then clips another commuter train heading in the opposite direction, killing (at last count) 11 innocent, unassuming people on their way to 'another day at the office'.

Now our brave, honourable soul is being arraigned on 10 counts of murder 'with special circumstances' which means the death penalty is an option if found guilty. Due process has to run its course but, why not just save the taxpayer's some money and facilitate the grieving process. Why not just gas his a** now? He apparently already tried to slice his wrists and stab himself in the hospital. Why not just help him along?

For those of you subjects who can't see the stupidity, waste and pointless nature of this carnage and say 'well, shouldn't we try to help and understand his pain?', I think the District Attorney prosecuting the case summed up that stinkin' thinkin' this way,

"He's not going to engage my sympathy because he was despondent. His despondency doesn't move me," Cooley told The Associated Press.

Well, to my point:
- a coward who decides to take his own life; bails on the idea; kills 11 people, injures hundreds more, steals the lives of husbands, wives, sons, daughters, aunts, uncles, grandparents, etc., destroys millions of dollars in public (or private?) property, now faces the death penalty.

To me, that's i-ro-ny.

Monday, January 10, 2005

Say it ain't so Jen and Brad!!

What's next! Britney and Ex-Dancer getting a divorce!!??

The King of Schmooze often wonders why people in Hollywood ever get married, anyway. It seems that the odds of a high-profile marriage being successful are very slim so why bother? Just have some kind of 'formal living arrangement' that can be dissovled easily once you realize that things aren't going to work out. Doesn't this just make more sense?!

Jen and Brad seemed to have it all going for them: looks, popular roles in popular films/tv shows, money, glamour. Where did it all go wrong? Who knows, and really, who cares. Luckily they didn't have any children so we will not have to endure the 'celebrity name game'. My bet was on a girl, and her name would be 'Peach', as in 'Peach Pitt'. As for a boy ............ how about "Army" as in Army Archer, the famous Hollywood columnist. Given the playgrounds of today, this would inevitably become 'Arm Pitt'. Not bad. At least we won't have to endure this ....... for now anyway.
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Sidebar:
Ever realize that 'continuity' in a movie shoot is a really big thing? Continuity is the process of ensuring that scenes shot in a movie over the course of days, weeks, and even months, all maintain their original qualities. Sometimes scenes from films are not shot concurrently but hours and even days apart. When a scene in a movie is between 2 people, and you have the camera panning from person to person, it may actually be that they are only shooting 1 person at a time and then editing the shots together. Both actors don't have to be present at the same time for this to be possible. They may even film the end or the middle of a film before they film the beginning.

Anyway, a prime example of poor continuity in a film is in the remake of Ocean's 11. The scene where Brad Pitt and Matt Damon are talking about Andy Garcia's character while they are standing by the staircase at the Bellagio. Initially we see Brad standing by Matt listening to Matt describe Terry Benedict's day (Andy Garcia's character) and he is holding a shrimp cocktail glass in his hand while he is eating the shrimp. We then switch to another angle of the shot and we see Matt talking to Brad, but in this shot Brad is holding a plate of shrimp instead of the shrimp cocktail glass. Finally, when Matt talks about Julia Roberts being 'the best part of his day' we see Brad back to holding the shrimp cocktail glass instead of the plate. This is not earth shattering, but it is fun. Part of the reason why the King of Schmooze loves movies so much is because of all the little processes that we as viewers don't realize take place.

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Probably the worst part of the split of Brad and Jen is the fact that they 'supposably' spent $US 1 Million on their wedding. Zikes! That's approximately $250,000 for each year of marriage.

With Brad and Jen split, we'll have to find the new 'fabulous' married couple in Hollywood. It wil be interesting to see if Nick and Jessica can make things work for them. It probably won't work out, just look at Sonny and Cher. As for Britney and Kevin, The King of Schmooze is giving them 1 yr, 5 mos, and 11 days.

KOS "doggin' it" with VC Posted by Hello

Saturday, January 08, 2005

"I'm Doggin' It" - Vince Carter's New Promotional Campaign

Budda, Bupp, Bupp, Baaa, I'm Doggin' It ..................

Press Release
Source: Major North American Newspapers and Sports Shows
Vince Carter Announces new endorsement deal with La-Z-Boy, Inc.
Saturday, January 08, 1:54 pm ET
TORONTO, ONTARIO


With the "revelation" yesterday about Air Canada Carter's work effort while here in Toronto, it comes as no suprise to the King of Schmooze that this was the case

King of Schmooze, KOS to my friends and loyal subjects, is no stranger to competitive sports. I played basketball, volleyball, and baseball all through Jr. & Sr. Highschool, and played Varsity Basketball at Ryerson while at university. Having had the privilege to attend almost every Raptors' game in the past year and a half, it came as no suprise that VC was in fact "doggin' it" more often than not. Any experienced eye can just tell.

I read with great amusement about how VC, who by the way earns about $US 12 Million/yr, actually admitted to not giving it his all as a player over the last couple of years in Toronto. Well, as they say, the proof is in the pudding. The Raptors have had a couple of tough seasons, to put it mildly, and to have your top star admit to taking it easy on the court is shameful. I'm glad that the Raptors traded him and I'm sure that in retrospect, the trade will turn out to be positive for Toronto. One of the players we got in return, Eric Williams, is no Vince Carter in terms of talent/flash, but at least he is a team player who plays hard and thinks team first.

I can remember in my senior year of high-school getting so ticked off at my team-mates that I quit the team. I was tired of being on a team that no one took very seriously. You don't win games, let alone championships by "mailing in" your efforts. It takes hard work, focus, and desire in order to win. I didn't actually quit the team for more than a day, but I did want to make a statement. We didn't win any championships that year, but we did have a lot of fun because we played like a team.

I trust that the Raptors are moving in the right direction in terms of building a 'team' as opposed to a bunch of individuals. Teams win, not individuals. Look at the Boston Red Sox this past baseball season, the New England Patriots, the Toronto Argonauts.

Now, if we could only teach Rafael Araujo to dunk fiercely instead of these sissy layups he does under the basket. A guy that big and strong should be throwing things down.

As for me, I'm on my way out to buy me a La-Z-Boy recliner.

Thursday, January 06, 2005


What the King of Schmooze saw while he drank his Sanka on the balcony of his abode in Santa Monica. Posted by Hello

The King of Schmooze hard at work on the set of "God's Army 2: States of Grace". Yes Virginia, there really is a Santa Claus, even in the barrio of East L.A. Posted by Hello

The King of Schmooze kibitzing with actor Kieffer Sutherland in Las Vegas, Jan. 2004 Posted by Hello

Tuesday, January 04, 2005

2004 - A Year in the Life of Schmooze

It is with great pleasure that I wish all of my ambassadors, courtiers, and loyal subjects a very Happy New Year.

2004 was an intresting year in the Kingdom of Schmooze, and 2005 is focused on more of the same. Although maybe this year we'll Schmooze without the haze of Chartreuse on our minds. Here are some of the highlights from the year passed:

Jan. 2004 - The King of Schmooze and his Ambassador of 'Stile', Matt Humphreys, made a pilgrimage to Las Vegas to meet some of the King's growing court. Some of the highlights were meeting actor Keifer Sutherland, billionaire Mark Cuban (owner of the Dallas Mavericks), and actor Tony Danza. Unfortunately, there is no pictoral proof that I did in fact meet Mr. Danza, but it did take place in the slots at the Venetian.

January was also the month when the King of Schmooze flexed his creative muscles on the set of the forthcoming movie 'God's Army 2: States of Grace'in the tough streets of Santa Monica, CA. Richard Dutcher, the director, producer, and writer of the film proved to be a great inspiration during my stay. Dutcher is a leading force in the production of films specifically using the Church of Latter Day Saints (Mormons) as the basis for plots, etc. It was a unique and intersting set to visit and I must thank my good friend Dan Urness for allowing me the privilege to be part of the filming. Dan was the Line Producer on this flick so being the miserly skinflint that he is, he put me to work as a Production Assistant. It's not often that one goes on vacation in sunny southern California only to spend one's days lugging 50lb bags of sand across, well the sandy beaches of Venice Beach. Dan wasn't all that tough though, as I was able to stay at their luxurious accommodations which were located right on the beach at the foot of the famous Santa Monica Pier. This was a treat! Originally built in 1908/09, the pier has been a fixture of the shoreline in Santa Monica for almost 100 yrs. It is the westcoast finish line of the famed 'Route 66'.

By the way, you can rent one of Dutcher's earlier flicks, "Brigham City" at Rogers. I've seen the movie and it is rather good - a good suspense, crime drama.

Having never visited this part of Los Angeles before, I made a special point of soaking in as much 'SoCal' lifestyle that I could. Always on the lookout for the neighbourhood 'divebar', I was lucky enough to stumble onto Washington Blvd. in Venice Beach one afternoon while the crew was filming at the famed 'Muscle Beach' of Venice Beach.

The one bar that caught my attention on Washington was the Hinano Cafe. Being the experienced world traveller that I am, I was able to immediately draw the connection between this bar and 'Hinano Beer' which is the national beer of Tahiti. For those who like dives (like The King of Schmooze), Hinano Cafe fits the bill. It's dark, has patrons all dressed in old t-shirts and has a pool table. The most redeeming quality of the bar, besides the $2 ice-cold glasses of Bud Light on tap, are the Cheeseburgers. By the way, 'Hinano' is the name of the Pandanus flower. It's also the most famous tahitian first name in French Polynesia. But enough about Tahiti, that's a whole other blog.

If you've never visited this part of SoCal, I would recommend it. From where I was staying at the Santa Monica Pier, I was able to bicycle on the 'boardwalk' all the way to Venice Beach and the Hinano Cafe. There is great shopping in the downtown of SM, as they have turned Third Street into a Promenade, an open-air pedestrian mall alive with cafés, bookstores, kiosks, cinemas, fashion boutiques and novelty shops. At the end of 3rd St. is Santa Monica Place, an ocean-view shopping mall, designed by world-renowned architect Frank O. Gehry.

In terms of accommodations, there are plenty of hotels in the area but perhaps the most famous is the Fairmont Miramar Hotel. Originally the site of a private mansion owned by John P. Jones, a former U.S. Senator and the founder of Santa Monica, The Miramar Hotel has served as an exclusive playground for Hollywood celebrities, and a quiet retreat for guests, since 1921.

According to the Fairmont website, Sultry blonde Jean Harlow (discovered by Howard Hughes and made famous in "Hell's Angels") rented one of the Miramar's bungalows in the early 1930s, and years later another famous blonde, Marilyn Monroe, frequently retreated to the Miramar when she wanted to disappear from the media. Throughout the years, the bungalows have attracted their share of public figures, including Eleanor Roosevelt and aviator Charles Lindbergh. So needless to say, the King of Schmooze had to at least use the washroom in this famous hotel to experience its history and grandeur. Not settling for the washroom only, I did have a coffee in the oasis like patio area.

For those who might consider a trip down to Santa Monica, it is a short distance from LAX on Lincoln Blvd. through Marina Del Rey and Venice Beach. The next community up the road is Malibu, so SM is certainly not East LA.

February 2004 - February proved to be a rather forgettable month as I totally forget what I did. But, I'm pretty sure at some point I did visit my downtown palace at 142 Cumberland St. (otherwise known as Hemingways).

March 2004 - March was another month that has proven beyond my Total Recall, although I'm pretty sure that there were a few times that I took in Matt Humphreys' "humpday" show at Fionn MacCool's @ St. Clair & Yonge.

April 2004 - Another baseball season is upon us. 2004 marks the 5th season of the King of Schmooze as an usher with the Toronto Blue Jays ballclub. For something that started out as more of a whim, and an excuse to keep my mind occupied (post-fiancee fiasco), the Blue Jays gig has turned into an annual event (I recieved my invitation to return for a 6th season this past Christmas...yey!!).

What can the King say about the Blue Jays. The team looked so promising going into the 2004 season but they got off to a slow start. Things just got worse with Roy Halladay, Vernon Wells, Greg Myers and Carlos Delgado going down with injuries. For me there were some highlites though, mostly to do with the fans and season ticket holders.

Two of my favourite season ticket holders, Jeff Goodfield and his daughter Jayde always made it to at least one game/homestand. Jeff and his family have been season ticket holders since Day One with the Jays, and it is always fun when his family comes out to a ballgame. I've been able to watch Jayde grow-up at the Skydome and begin to become a great baseball fan. It's especially fun when Jeff's wife Natalie, 1-yr. old daughter Amber, and his mother come to the game on the same day. It always make the games go faster and more enjoyable to have good people and knowledgeable fans in the stands.

Over the years I've been able to meet some great people at Jays games: Kevin Hansen and his mother are season ticket holders in sec. 127, Matthew Sacco and his family are in the front row with Jeff, Joe and his wife are in row 8 seats 1 & 2, "Harvey W." and his buddy Marty don't have tickets in my section but they always come by to say hello. It's interesting to get overlap with season ticket holders as I've seen Kevin at Raptors games as well.

The big 'disappointment' this season was the thought to move people around instead of leaving experienced people in the same section. Having been fortunate enough to work most of the last few years in sec. 127 (3rd base on 100 level), it has become apparent to me that season ticket holders appreciate a friendly and familiar face when they arrive at the ballpark. Probably the best 'perk' of this is not having to be hassled to see their tickets. But this is a topic for another day.

May 2004 - The King of Schmooze really took off in the month of May. I officially registered both kingofschmooze.com and kingofschmooze.ca at the end of April so I was legitimately able to call myself the King of Schmooze. The phrase originated from Matt Humphreys' redesign of the www.urbanfolk.ca website where my exploits were outlined as his new 'business manager'. Not being one to miss an opportunity to own a bit of webestate, I quickly registered both domains.

May was the month when I discovered that the Boston Red Sox stay at the Park Hyatt hotel when they are in Toronto. I was able to get Jason Varitek's autograph for Ambassador Currie as I bumped into Mr. Varitek at the summer palace with some of his teammates.

My first legitimate use of my nobility following investiture was hosting the Anaheim Angels ballclub at my summer residence, 142 Cumberland. My Ambassador of Dimples, 'Nipples Wahl', and I had the good fortune to bump into former Jay Bud Black (now pitching coach with the Angels) and Joe Maddon (bench coach) in the downstairs bar. Both Bud and Joe proved to be great conversationalists about the game of baseball so it was a real treat to kibitz with them.

During the Angels series, May 24-27, Nipples and I had the pleasure of meeting some of the pitching staff as well. Scott Shields, Kevin Gregg and John Lackey all proved to be very personable. Darin (nipples) Wahl had actually played college ball against John so they were able to chat about that.

May was capped off by me attending the Jays/Angels game on May 27th and having Bud sign a baseball for me. It was the 1st official 'schmoozeball' as he signed it 'you can schmooze all the best'.

June 2004 - What can be said about June. The highlight here was definitely bumping into LA Dodger 2nd baseman Alex Cora @ the summer palace. Despite his attempts to pass himself off as a soccer enthusiast from Puerto Rico, Darin and I soon figured out who he was. He turned out to be a great guy and we talked some serious baseball with him. He was nice enough to remember to sign baseballs for both Darin and I, AND, was even nicer to remember that I'd asked for an Eric Gagne signed ball.

July 2004 - Go Sox! After months of talking about going, we (Tyler, Darin, Brad and myself) finally were able to head down to Boston for beer and baseball. It was the first time I'd ever visited Beantown, but luckily we had Mr. Currie along because Boston is 'his town'. I guess I would have come to this conclusion myself based on the amount of times he pissed all over the place ....... marking his territory no doubt.